Why Do We Keep Making the Same Mistakes?

Why do we keep doing things the same? The same habits? The same mistakes? Choosing the same paths over and over again?

I've often wondered whether real behaviour change is actually possible, or if we're doomed to repeat the same patterns again, and again.

I thought for a long time that we were just “wired” a certain way and that change was impossible. Why fight upstream? Better instead to just go with the flow and work with what you know to be true about yourself.

But what I realized is that change is hard yes, but not impossible.

Behaviour is not about being “wired” a certain way. It’s about being inclined a certain way.

Example - picture sand on a beach. Imagine you carve some pathways in the sand. When you pour water, it naturally follows the channels you dug. This is habit. This is behaviour. We are the water, and we naturally flow into the same channels we've travelled a hundred times before. Similar to a well-trodden path through a forest or meadow, you'll instinctively follow where you've gone before.

The funny thing is, we probably don't even remember digging most of these channels. Somewhere along the way, often early in life, we reacted a certain way, made a certain choice, or formed a certain habit. Then we did it again. And again. Before we knew it, that became the path. Now we follow it without thinking because it's familiar. Not because it's the best path, or the only one, but because it's the one we've always taken.

This is why we keep making the same mistakes. Not because we're incapable of change, but because our brains are designed to take the path of least resistance. If you were hiking through a forest, would you force your way through thick brush every time, or would you follow the trail that's already there? Of course you'd take the trail. It's easier. It's automatic.

Many of the trails we follow weren't even consciously chosen. Some came from childhood experiences. Some came from watching our parents, teachers, friends, or partners. Some developed because they worked once, so we kept doing them. And honestly? Some are probably just arbitrary. We happened to respond one way instead of another, repeated it enough times, and eventually it became "just who I am."

So it's not impossible to create new pathways. It just takes an intentional, concerted effort. And practice. Over time, the new pathways you establish will become more eroded and well trodden and eventually the old pathways, unused over time, will become filled in and grown over. Soon the new pathways will become deeper and more established than the old ones, and when you pour your water in it will be more inclined to follow the new route. It will take a concerted, intentional effort to become this way but once it does, it'll be as effortless, intuitive and automatic as the old.

I think we spend a lot of time asking ourselves, "Why am I like this?" It's practically become a generational catchphrase. And sometimes that's a worthwhile question. Therapy can be incredibly valuable for understanding where our patterns came from and processing the experiences that shaped us.

But knowing why you carved the original path doesn't automatically create a new one. Insight is important. Change comes from repetition.

The same thing that created the old path is the thing that creates the new one. Repeated choices. Repeated actions. Repeated practice. One decision at a time until the unfamiliar becomes familiar, and the new path becomes the easier one to follow.

That's where coaching is different. Therapy often helps you understand the past. Coaching helps you build the future. Instead of asking, "Why did I end up here?" the question becomes, "Where do I want to go from here?"

A coach helps you get clear on what you want, develop a strategy to get there, break it down into practical action, and stay accountable when your brain inevitably tries to pull you back onto the old path. The old pathways were built through repetition. The new ones will be too. The difference is that this time, you're building them on purpose.